Five things society tells us that makes postpartum harder....and how we can push back against them

I've been thinking been thinking a lot about the messages we get about the postpartum period, especially if we're planning to breastfeed —messages that can actually make things harder than they need to be

Here are five big ones:

1. That our value, our worth, is tied to our productivity, and what we can 'achieve'. 

In the early days with your baby you don't usually get a huge amount of the typical things on your 'to-do' list done - when you're recovering from birth, sleep deprived, busy feeding, and managing a baby who won't be put down, it's hard to tick off all the household chores, or 'achieve' anything. 

We beat ourselves up when we seem to be spending most of our home on the sofa or in bed with our new baby, not getting the laundry done quickly enough or going for interesting days out.

But you ARE achieving something. Something HUGE. You're feeding your baby, giving them the calories and the nutrition they need to grow at the fastest rate they're ever going to need to grow. You're helping them adjust to life outside the womb. You're making them feel safe, warm, keeping them clean, and cementing that bond with them that will make them into well adjusted children and adults.

You're achieving so much.

2. That we should always put other people's needs above our own.

As children we're taught to be considerate, to share, to put others' needs above our own. To bend ourselves backwards to please others. 

So we don't say no to visitors, even though we're exhausted and on the verge of tears. We don't cancel, even if we're not feeling up to it. We say yes if someone wants to hold the baby, even if we know they just want to be with their mum.

It's OK to say no. And yes, you might annoy people. You might get called a 'diva'. But your baby needs a parent who is able to prioritise their own needs, with as much capacity as possible to care for them.

3. That we shouldn't 'make a fuss'. 

We're taught this from such a young age, particularly as girls. Last week my five-year-old daughter had breakfast at school and the staff forgot to put butter on her toast - she told me she ate dry toast because she wanted to be 'good' and 'not make a fuss'. 

So we don't always feel comfortable pushing for the help we need from those who should be supporting us. We don't feel like we should call the midwife back for the third time when we still can't quite get the latch right if we're trying to breastfeed. If we're told that our pain is normal, we feel pressured to just put up with it. 

But it doesn't have to be this way. You deserve caring, compassionate, personalised care from your care team. It's OK to advocate for yourself. And if you're not getting what you need from your care team, you can find someone who WILL help you.

4. That asking for help means we're not capable.

This is one that really got me. I had spent my whole life trying to be independent, fighting to prove to people that I was capable. Not asking for help because I believed that would mean I wasn't 'good enough'.

So we muddle through without wanting to be a burden on anyone else, because we should be able to work things out on our own.

Years ago, women did what you're doing surrounded by their 'village' They had aunts, cousins, neighbours, friends, rallying round them when their baby was born. In some countries even now new mothers are put on bed rest for the first 40 days, with family taking  care of all their needs so they can concentrate on feeding their baby and recovering from birth.

I'll shout this from the rooftops until everyone hears - it's OK to ask for help!!!! This doesn't mean you're not capable, or not a good mum - it means you understand how important it is to look after yourself, so you can look after your family.

5. That we should enjoy every minute.

This is a tough one. We know how fortunate we are to have a baby when there are so many people who long for one. We know how quickly time passes, and that the newborn period doesn't last forever. And we think that if we don't 'enjoy every minute' then we're not grateful.

So we beat ourselves up if we miss our old lives, if we want a break, if we're finding parts of motherhood a bit boring. We don't always share the hard times, because that might give the impression that we don't appreciate how fortunate we are to have our baby. 

But it's really, really hard sometimes. And there are safe spaces out there where you can share the hard times AND celebrate the good times, offload, and get support and guidance from people who get it.

This is why I became a doula, why I've spent years deepening my postpartum and breastfeeding knowledge, and why I want to rewrite the narrative on postpartum life. Because ALL these things made everything so much harder.

I would love to hear if any of this resonates with you. And if you want someone to walk alongside you as you navigate everything new parenthood has to throw at you, I'm here.

Katie x